Mindless Ruminations at X p.m.

My inability to comprehend simple concepts is glaringly obvious today for some inexplicable reason. I was sitting in my financial management class this morning hoping that by the end of it I would at least walk away from class with a modicum of information about capital budgeting. However, I spent most of my time staring intently at the back of an older gentleman’s head wondering how his hair follicles strategically placed his bald spots in a way that they each looked like well-designed crop circles. It all went downhill from there. Questions like: “Why doesn’t he just back comb the hair he has left?” and “Why not just pluck the rest of them out and audition for the role of Lex Luther? and “How does his head look so light yet not float away?” started distracting me from my intended purpose: learning.

I finally realized that I would’ve been better off staying home and in bed. That idea may seem good in theory but I would later realize how it would rapidly grow in its stupidity. Truth be told, I haven’t been able to get a proper night’s sleep since I was about 12. No particular reason, I don’t have some fascinating story about how someone dressed as Cher came flying through my window one night and scared the ever living out of me with their tear-jerking rendition of “Turn Back Time.” Regardless, I never truly sleep well. At this point, I could start babbling and since my babbling capabilities are infinite, I’m going to steer clear of any non-sequiturs.  Read the following instead.

Disclaimer: This post is a little dated, but everything still holds true. I wrote it about a year ago. Doesn’t speak much for my supposed “growth” over the recent months, does it? Enjoy.

Lately, I’ve been suffering from chronic insomnia. I couldn’t, for the life of me, fall asleep last night. At about five in the morning, I was staring out my window at the frozen streets and cars and all of a sudden it hit me. Look at how decidedly complacent I have become about life. It has taken me an uncomfortably long time to get here too. In retrospect, these past two years have been hideously comical and, for some reason, sitting alone at 5 a.m. brought that into disquieting perspective for me.

Let’s address the issue of having not even been able to secure a formal graduation date for myself because VCU insists on making my life as difficult as possible. It’s been four years. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve written the papers, taken the exams and even gone along with certain professors’ rationale for making me take a final despite having an A in their class. It’s nothing short of disgusting. Every time I want to move ahead in my life, or my job, the fact that I’m still “in school” stands out like some glaring anomaly in the linearity of my transition into adulthood. I’m well beyond every established age limit ranging from the trite practice of drinking to what used to be a rather formidable task of trying to get into clubs without big black Xs on my hands. But I am confounded still, by my circumstances. In the social circles that I’ve started to venture into, everyone seems to have been conferred the noble privilege of being able to work full time at a job they love, without having to worry about going to a 9 a.m. class the next morning. The idyllic notion of walking into work, cradling a cup of coffee in my hand and settling down in a big leather chair for the duration of the day, remains on ice for now.

On an aside, I’m slightly troubled by the state of my social skill set. In light of recent events, I seem to have developed a crippling reluctance to speak my mind- something I never had even the slightest issues with. I’d like to blame it on a lack of material as a basis on which to relate to people. However, even with people I consider friends, I seemed to have become quieter, more reserved. How unusual for me. My family is zero help in this regard. What on earth can I converse about with any of them? My cousins swoop into my personal space like tempests- shrill and overwhelming. And of course, one is hard pressed to rise to the precedent established by my brother. I writhe in my chair as I watch his social awkwardness get the best of him and yet, can do so little about it. Family dinners are such lovely affairs. Rarely do I get the privilege of being related to such an august company of people. Regarding the thorny and questionable issue of being a well-rounded person as my cousin Hope so emphatically proclaims, let me just say that proclamation issues forth from a person who declines watching television or reading any book not of a spiritual bent. I, therefore, am quite skeptical as to the amount of worldliness being brought to the table. I can only conclude that the people in my family are either chaplains or scam artists. Further, the way they gush forth emotionally with each other is mildly disturbing and induces nausea fairly rapidly.

I would like to expound further on my observations before time clears my mind cache so to speak but, for now, I’ll just say that I really am quite annoyed with the way 2009 is starting. With the school schedule I have, the proverbial ass kicking I will be getting at work, the steady decline of good friends in my life and the growing concern with my own inability to conform to mind numbing social niceties, it would only take one more thing to push me over the edge and be the requisite straw on the camel’s back.

There you have it -the Reader’s Digest version of my life for the past nine months. Hope it sheds a little bit of light on where I’m coming from and why, when people look me in the eye they are greeted with a blank stare. Here’s to hoping things will get better.